It was a rainy Saturday morning. I glared out my window hopelessly. Even though I loved the rain this particular day felt gloomy so I hoped and prayed for the rain to just stop. Last night was the worst, I cried myself to sleep thinking of this one particular girl who doesn't seem to notice me at all. I felt the agony of falling in love with someone who doesn't even know that I exist. Her name was Leilani. I remember the day when I had met her. She was fairly thin with straight brown hair. Her eyes were gray and they shined. Everyone tends to notice the brightest star in the dark sky, well that’s the way her eyes shined every time anyone would stare into them.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"No" I replied quickly as I turned my back and walked away.
I looked down and followed my class back out the library. She was a tutor, better than most I'd say. Although she had never been my tutor, she was known as the smart girl who'd get good grades and date the hottest guys in the school. I've always had a crush on her, but it was hard for me because I was not a jock and most importantly I‘m not guy. I was actually the talk of the school. I thought I was pretty cool and so did the others until they heard about my secret during freshman year. I’m a lesbian. I’ve been struggling with homosexuality my whole life. I’d try to hide it at most times but after a while, I gave up. It was a turn on for guys until they saw the change in me. I dressed completely "boyish" as they say and I seemed to get a little more attention from the females than the males.
The females would compliment me on how they really like my choice of dressing but the guys thought I was just another disappointment. In fact, majority of my friends liked the “boyish” look better than the feminine one. They said it fits my personality better. My best friend Derrick was on the football team. Derrick and I have been best friends ever since elementary school but that all changed in 9th grade when I started dating his ex that he thought was "straight". I only went out with her because I saw Derrick with Leilani after school when he had promised me that he'd come chill with me at the mall. I guess I did it out of anger or maybe even jealousy. He knew I liked her, so I guess at this point it was an eye for an eye. If you were to ask me for my honest opinion, I'd say that I think his ex was an annoying, arrogant girl that only though of money, clothes and diamonds. Spoiled much? She was a cheerleader anyway, so i didnt really expect much more of her.
Only Derrick knew my secret back then, I trusted him but that kind of trust disappeared that day I came into school and had to face the jesters, rude comments and prejudice. Eventually, I got over it and I stopped talking to him. If he was my true best friend, he wouldn’t have told the whole school my secret. I'm in 10th grade now and I guess you can say I'm no longer any different than anybody else. Its only been a year and yet everywhere I turned there was rainbows and gay pride. It was the very first day of April; everyone hated April because it was always raining. Honestly, I loved April. I just loved the feeling of the rain hitting my face and the cool sensation of the warm wind. After school I decided not to take the bus home and I walked towards town in the pouring rain. Other kids did it too but not many of them. I walked along side the road by myself blasting my mp3 player.
I felt a cool wind coming from behind but I didn't really think anything of it. I heard a loud screeching sound and the outline of a bright light blinded my eyes. Instantly, I fell to the floor with a hard impact and rolled onto the grass besides me. My Vision blurred, I heard loud collision noises, and voices screaming in convulsion. It seemed as if it were a dream. The many sounds started to ring in my ear as I slowly pushed myself back onto my feet. There was blood dripping from the side of my head and my arms were all scraped up. I looked around and saw only shattered glass and sliced pieces of metal on the concrete road. It was a car accident. I heard faded sirens and my vision started to clear. I looked into the cars; I didn't see not the slightest movement. I tuned in carefully and within seconds I heard a low voice. It was a girl; she was still in the car. I squinted into the car as the atmosphere filled with thick smoke. There she was, I saw the outline of her body. There was blood on the windshield that I spotted out the corner of my eye. It looked like her legs were crushed underneath the steering wheel. I pulled the car door open and I began to panic. "Every thing's going to be alright" I told her. All she did was sigh and closed her eyes. I gently put my hand behind her head and one hand up under her thighs. I tried to pull her out of the car but it was crushed in too far. I tilted her body sideways and she slipped out quick and unharmed.
I fell onto the cold concrete road with her still in my arms. She was covered in blood and breathing delicately. The sounds of the sirens got louder and I began to lose sight again. I held her in my arms as if she was my most valuable possession. My vision started to blur even more until I blacked out completely. I felt as if I had died there that night. Hours went by, minutes passed, people died and newborns arrived.
I opened my eyes slowly to the sight of a nurse.
"Rise & shine" she whispered.
I looked around hopelessly, "What happened?" I asked.
"Well, you put your life in jeopardy by saving the life of another young girl" she said.
"When the policemen arrived at the scene, there you were lying on the floor and holding the victim in your arms" she continued. I Blink a few times as she went on.
"They arrived too late; the policemen said that moments after you rescued her from the car, another car hit the car that she was trapped in from the rear end. Everyone died except you and her" She stated. My heart jumped and I was petrified for a moment.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"She's in the recovery room waiting to see her hero" she said with a smile.
All I could do was smile back. I felt a rush of joy in my heart. I was clueless, I was so determined to see her face but I couldn't until tomorrow because I was leaving the emergency room that night.
“We called your grandmother just to inform her that you are okay and you will be home shortly” explained the nurse as she left the room. I Nodded and I stared at the ceiling trying not to let the feeling of being a hero slip my mind. The night went by quicker than it has ever done before.
The feeling of waking up in my own bed was a relief. For some reason I just couldn't stop thinking of the Car crash. I slipped on some Levi's, a sweater and my Nikes and headed downstairs. The usual pancakes and eggs sat on the table. My grandma glared at me. "Well, are you going to eat?" she asked.
"I don't know, I'm not really hungry" I replied as her face filled with disappointment.
"Well, Its Friday, are you sure you want to go to school today?" she Asked.
"Uh, yeah it’s just one more day.. ill be fine" I stated as I turned to walk out the door. She frowned and sighed.
"Have a good day at school, and I rather you take the bus home today" she said softly.
"I will" I replied.
I walked out the house and caught the bus as it passed by my neighbors house. It was quiet, everyone was quiet. I Sat in an empty seat. I felt the eyes of students staring at me. I heard whispers but I didn't let it bother me. When we got to school people were concerned and asked about my experience. I was fine; the only thing that was bothering me was the girl. I wanted so badly to know who she was. The day went by fast. I shot out of My last period class and gathered my things from my locker. I shoved books in my backpack not even caring which ones they were and I quickly locked my master lock. I Turned and started walking towards the bus but I ran into Derrick. "Oh hey, how you been?" he asked as he tried to catch his balance. I kept walking. "Good" I replied. He started to follow me as I walked.
"Hey why you in such a hurry?" he asked out of breath.
"I umm.. I have a doctor’s appointment" I lied.
"Well I can give you a ride if you'd like" he stated.
"Nah, I'm alright" I said and hurried away.
It seemed as if he was trying to start a conversation but I wasn't even trying to hear it, I had my mind set on other things. He was just another face in the crowd.
I hopped on the bus and sat next to some kid from my math class. He was quiet and shy. I didn't bother to even say hi to him because he always looks afraid and paranoid, as if he‘s being followed or something. I shook my head and stood up, ready to get off as soon as it stopped. I felt betrayed but still concerned. I felt as if I shouldn't have treated Derrick that way even though he deserved it. The bus stopped and I got off. I skipped across the street and started walking down Ronald ave towards the hospital. I paced back and forth outside of the hospital, I was nervous about seeing her. My stomach dropped and I started to feel like I was on a roller coaster. I gained some confidence and finally walked into the hospital building. I stood in front of the desk in the waiting room.
"May I help you?" asked the lady behind the counter.
"Uhhh, yeah. My name is Destiny Reed, I was here not too long ago because of a car accident" I started to tell her.
She just stared at me with some dull look on her face.
"Um, I would like to see the nurse that took care of me please" I asked.
She looked down at her computer, started typing a few things and sighed.
"One moment please". She continued to type and her eyes suddenly grew.
"The nurse will be down in a moment, please take a seat" she said.
I nodded my head and took a seat. I was nervous. I felt puddles of sweat forming beneath the pores in my skin. My hands started to receive moist and I started feeling dizzy.
"Destiny Reed?" said a voice. I Stood up and turned to see the nurse.
"Hey how are you?" she said smiling.
"I'm fine" I replied. Her smile blew me away completely.
"So what brings you here today Destiny?" she asked.
"Um, I was wondering if I could meet the girl" I replied timidly.
She nodded slowly. "She's been asking about you, but I couldn't give her any information. I'm glad you decided to stop by" she said.
I smiled and felt a burst of joy deep down in my heart. "Follow me" she said. I trotted behind her as she walked. She took me to room 221 and opened the door without knocking. I stood by the door as she went behind the curtains. She whispered a few words and emerged from the curtains into view. She looked at me and nodded. I put on a fake smile because I didn’t want her to read the nervous expression on my face. She brushed by me and closed the door on her way out. I stood there for a few seconds breathing out of control. "You can come in you know" said a familiar voice. I was startled but began to walk towards the curtains. Each footstep I took seemed to weigh a ton. I slowly opened the curtains and walked in. There she was laying there helplessly with her head turned away from me. "So my knight in shining armor finally decided to show up" she said without turning her head. “Knight in shining armor? What the hell is this, a fairy tale?” I thought to myself. I cleared my throat. "Um, yeah I just stopped by to see how you were doing" I replied. She took a deep breath as if she was going for the gold medal. I saw her reaction when she heard my voice. It seemed as if she already knew. She slowly turned her head and her eyes lightened up. "It is you...the mystifying girl from around the way" she whispered. Her eyes started to shine as if she were going to cry. I saw the tears forming in her eyes but I didn't say anything, I just stood there and looked down. "Every time I tried to talk to you, you would just leave" she said. "You were always this mysterious figure. I couldn't read you no matter how hard I tried" she continued. I nodded slowly as my heart began to fall due to her vigorous words. It felt as if my legs were going to give in. I dragged a chair next to her hospital bed and sat in it.
I felt uncomfortable but for some reason it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She stared at me for a couple of minutes then looked away again. "I felt as if I could just die in your arms that afternoon" she said. "I felt as if I was being embraced by an angel and it just upset me because that night I couldn't see my hero" she continued. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. I started to talk but she cut me off. "Why did you do it?, Why didn't you just leave me there" she asked eagerly. She sounded so determined to know. I paused for a second. "If it wasn't for you then...I probably wouldn't be here right now" she stated. I looked down; I felt my eyes starting to water as I opened my mouth to reply. "It’s just like that one chance when you can build up the confidence to save a life" I replied. She looked at me as if she didn't understand which made me feel like I didn't even know what the heck I was talking about. "I didn't know it was your life that I was saving, my intention was just to help whoever was in that car" I said. She smiled and reached out to me. My heart felt heavy. I didn't know what she was reaching for. A hand? A hug? I guess with my natural reaction I reached out and held her hand. I Held it tight, and I didn't want to let go. Her breathing was like a newborn baby, so soft and low. I kept looking at her monitor to make sure she was still alive and breathing. Within a few minutes her eyes started to close. Time passed by, and after a few heartbeats she was sound asleep.
Weeks passed, and after that day I spent with her in the hospital I started feeling strange. Leilani and I never spent a day apart. I'd be surprised if I could even leave my house without seeing her. I knew everything about her from when she was young until now. She told me so many things about her that nobody else knew. I remember when she had said she hated the rain and it seemed as if I was the complete opposite because the rain was actually something I loved. She also told me that her father had died from a massive heart attack. She would talk about him all of the time, and explain to me how much she missed him. I remember she once told me that she said a lot of hateful things to him. It was the night of prom and he wouldn’t allow her to go for some strange reason. She got angry and blurted out several hateful words and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. The next morning he had a massive heart attack and passed away. The thing that seems to upset her the most is that she never got to tell him that she was sorry and she loved him very much. She cried on my shoulder on the bleachers behind the school that day, and didn’t stop until she ran out of tears. I had this feeling that she was falling for me because of the way she had opened up to me but it was hard for me to accept the fact that I was falling for her even faster. It even came to mind that I was madly in love with her and it seemed as if she was the only one for me; she was perfect. I couldn't help but wonder if she felt the same way so instead of talking to her in person, I decided to write her a message on MySpace one day.
Dear Leilani,
We've been friends for a long time now,
I've been getting this weird vibe when I'm around you
maybe its just something mentally wrong with me
but I think I love you and I cant spend not even seconds away from you.
I was just wondering if you had the same feelings.. =/
hit me up ASAP
Sincerely,
Destiny Reed
She was online, and that new technology where it tells you if the person read your message or not stated that she did read it but she didn't reply. I waited a while longer and still no reply. I felt a rush of rejection flowing through my veins and my throat felt as if it was tightening up but no tears flowed. I signed off and laid in my bed thinking only of her. What is she doing? Why didn't she reply? Is she thinking of me like I'm thinking of her..?. The next morning I checked Myspace to see if she replied or not; she didn’t. I packed up my stuff and left for school. When I arrived at school I saw her. I felt bummed when she locked eye connection with me. I decided not to speak to her as I walked by because I didn't want her to mention my MySpace message. I felt her eyes following my every move but once I entered my classroom I didn't feel it anymore. My throat started to tighten up and I felt as if I was going to burst into tears. A rush of adrenaline caused my stomach to hurt and I started getting into a depressing mood. After school I saw her again but I walked quickly to my bus. I think she intended to follow me but when I looked back at her she had turned the other way. I couldn't help but to feel bad, I wanted to let her know everything. I wanted so badly to embrace her in my arms once again but I've realized that after that day when I held her in my arms at the car crash, it would never happen again. My eyes began to tear at the thought of it but I kept walking. Sounds of thunder rung in my ear and shortly afterward the cool sensation of raindrops hit my skin repeatedly. I thought to myself that it was a good thing it had started to rain because I didn't want anyone to see me cry.
I got on my bus and headed for home. When I got home, I went to bed with tears in my eyes and awoken the next morning. Weeks passed by and I continued this same routine. It was a rainy Saturday morning. I glared out my window hoping and praying for the rain to just stop. Last night was the worst, I cried myself to sleep thinking of this one particular girl. I haven't talked to her nor received a single phone call. I felt horrible because this routine of me not talking to her had gone on for weeks. It was nearly the beginning of May now. I made my way downstairs to the house phone and slowly dialed her number. It rang once but I hung up before I let it ring again. I took a deep breath and called again but this time it rung twice and then sent me to voice mail. That whole day I thought of her and she just wouldn't depart from my mind. I threw on some clothes and rushed out the house. I ran through the pouring rain to her house. I gained the courage to ring her doorbell after five minutes and a young woman came to the door.
"Is Leilani home?" I asked. Her face looked worried.
"No, she just stepped out for a moment" she replied. My heart dropped. I wanted to see her so bad.
"Do you know where she might have gone?" I asked eagerly.
"She said she was going to see someone named Destiny" she replied.
I felt a rush of confusion but joy at the same time.
“She went to go see me?” I responded thinking that I was talking to myself. I started to back away. "Thank you" I replied.
She closed the door and I started to run back to my house. By the time I got there I was soaked. My face filled with disappointment. I was wondering where she was. I sat on my front porch for hours as if she was suppose to show up. If she was suppose to be out visiting me and she's not here then where could she be? I asked myself. Hours passed and I started to worry even more. I walked into the house and up to my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and watched TV until I fell asleep. The sound of the phone ringing woke me up. I looked at the caller ID but it was an unknown number so I decided not to pick it up. It was 12 o'clock on the dot. I picked up the phone and searched through the missed calls. Her number came up over a dozen times. I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten all about her.
I heard a knock at my door and my grandmother eased her way in without even waiting for me to tell her to come in. She gave me a stern look and sat down on the edge of my bed. She looked as if she was reluctant to tell me something. "What's wrong?" I asked. She stared out the window; I could see the muscles in her face moving as she frowned. "Your friend Lelani died an hour ago" she stated. My heart started pounding, the joy left my body and the pain started to settle in. I didn't believe her, I couldn't believe her. "She was on the phone while driving her car back home and had a car accident, but had she stopped by the house when you had left so I told her to try back again later" she continued. My body started to feel weak and my eyes started to water. It’s not true, it can’t be true. "I'm Sorry" confirmed my grandma. I looked down. My heart filled with guilt. It was my entire fault, if I had only spoken to her then she wouldn't have tried to come by and speak to me. I started to shake my head in denial. "No, no she can't be dead" I cried out. "She told me to tell you that she loves you" said my grandma. "She gave me this to give to you" she continued as she handed me a letter. I Guess she knew me after all of this time. Knowing how stubborn I am, she wrote me a letter. She knew that if she was to visit me and I was to answer the door, I would still be unwilling to talk to her. My grandma stood up and left my room quietly as I stared at the letter. I opened it slowly and began to read it.
Destiny..,
I figured you wouldn’t be home or if you were home, your stubbornness would stop you from talking to me, so I decided to write you this letter. I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you on myspace. My Internet went out after I read the message you sent me. I wanted to tell you so badly how I felt about you last Friday, but you turned away from me again. I hope you aren't too angry at me and if you are then I don't know what I did to make you angry. Destiny Reed, you are such an amazing person. When I'm around or with you I feel like nothing or anyone can bring me down. I feel like your the other part of me and I truly don't want to let that go. I've realized that Love has no gender because I can honestly say that I am in Love with you. I want to be your smile, your pride, your expressions, your emotions, your everything. I've wanted you to know this but I never had the strength to tell you. Well, I hope we can hang out tomorrow if your not upset. Hopefully, you aren't .
*Smiley Face*
Love,
Leilani Perez
I closed the letter and slipped it under my pillow. I cried for the rest of that night and the rest of that week. Months went by and there I was still crying. She was still on my mind and not for one second did she leave it. Yet every time it rained I wouldn't step a foot outside because besides blaming myself, I blamed the rain too. Maybe if it was a bright sunny day, she wouldn’t have been injured at all. I use to love the rain but it reminds oh her, so from that point on, I began to hate it. When it hits my skin now, it gives me the feeling of defeat and guilt. The sound of the rain hitting my window sounded like her steady heartbeat from that time when she held me close on the bleachers behind the school. Thump. Thump..Thump. Sometimes I'd even hear her voice. I'd wake up having anxiety attacks. I'd wake up thinking she'd be standing next to me once more. Until this very day, I still don't understand why she hated the rain so much but I knew exactly why I did. It is peaceful, but It drives me crazy at the same time. It reminded me too much of Leilani Perez. Maybe she finally got to tell her father how much she loved him and misses him but that just leaves me. Maybe someday ill get hold of the chance to tell Leilani how much I love her and miss her but most importantly I need to tell her that I’m sorry. I know that she's still here because I see her every time I close my eyes. She's watching over me ... kind of like my own personal Guardian Angel.
